hmmz... it's 2:47 am in the morning ... and i decided to write a sad post... at least to me i think it is... so bear with it ...it may be long since i'm juz going to let my thoughts flow....
so...where shall i begin....hmmz.... Okie...

my tears fell today....

i wonder if those tears were supposed to fall long time ago.... it's been almost a year.... and i wonder...and i really asked myself before they started to give up holding on.... I asked," Am i supposed to feel sad?" "All the while i've been so strong...i kept telling ppl tat i'm alrite... and now you've this feeling so intense...boiling within ur heart....are you supposed to fight it away like you alwayz do?"
but unfortunately...i teared while i was trying to ask for an answer from my buddy in his car... No... not at all i'm gay..haha...so don't see it tat way...juz tat i've crumpled down..at my weakest time...

Do i have the reason to be sad?

i don't have to hide nor lie... my dad had an affair... my family collapsed... mum left heart broken... sis and i left helpless... but all the while i've been strong... even telling lies to my mum to comfort her... talked to tat bitch to leave my mum alone.... spent my time with my dad like for a dinner or so when he came back.... even if i don't have much time for him.... yupz... there's no hatre at all ...coz he's my dad...and he owed such a big sum of money... all thanx to the stupid banks tat gives out credit cards.... okie..stupid dad too.... but well... he could have already paid 5 times more than wat he borrowed i believe...or even more....... but wat's the point mentioning "wat if"...

now my mum is doing well in taiwan...with her friends..working..and start her life anew.. dad is working real hard in his career too...yupz..he's either in china or taiwan... only back once in a month to pay the interests... while my sis...is staying with this guy she loves.. in china...giving up her career in singapore and friends..for a thing tat seems so hard to convince to be true at least to me i think it tat way...
so it's been more than a year already..... since tat day they all go their seperate wayz...leaving me alone....in singapore... i smiled to them..assured them tat i will be okie...even when telling my friends abt my stuffs... i said i'm alrite... then why now.... why now then the tears fell..... can't really understand why the rational.... if i were really sad...when did i not cry back then?.... it seems to me the reason to tear is kinda expired....

Wat a state am i living?

Every 2 dayz..i will drive my car... from ntu back to bishan.... juz to feed the silly fish and water the plants..... yupz..tat buy a few amusements to my friends... and i said it with a smile tat seems too hard to believe tat i'm actually feeling sad..... even i was being fooled....by my own voice...my own smiles....
everytime i reached home... i light up the joss-sticks and pray for my mum and dad and my sis... in front of buddha .... then feed the fish..then the 10+ pots of plants outside my home... and not to forget .... bring up piles and piles of envelopes and dump them on sofa and wait for dad to clear his bills...
and my whole damn house was not cleaned for a year pluz... it's really dirty..hahaha... can't believe tat i still can stay at home at times.... even my dad wears a pair of slippers around the house when he's back....but i only see him for at most 2 dayz in a month.....
i didn't see my mum for months already...so is my sis....
it's so sad for me tat i can't fly to taiwan to meet them up...to tell them tat i missed them really a lot... i even teared when i was telling my sis tat i missed her on msn.... and i couldn't understand why...when in the past...i alwayz quarrelled with her....
Yupz...of coz some of you would say tat it's normal... tat ppl usually miss things when they are gone... well... before you all make tat statement.... i would wanna tell you something.... you're not in my state... so don't say it so easily.... =)

i'm really feeling lonely....

all the while i've been okie...throwing smiles and jokes with my friends .... but i reaslied tat i am alwayz alone....every weekends...dayz juz passed so slowly...tat i could even tell the count of each seconds...i alwayz eat alone.... sleep alone....no one will say " welcome back home" no one will say " please eat more" no one will say " how are you doing so far in sch?" no one will say " i miss you." no one will say "i love you" no one will say "please don't cry..." no one will ask " why am i crying....dear..."..............................
this is truely the feeling of loneliness..... it's not tat i yearn for anyone to be there....
it's not tat i don't have friends....in fact ..i have so many great friends out there for me... but the thing is ...i cannot tell ppl tat i have my relatives around with me...... it's not like during special occasionz..i can go to ppl's house and enjoy their family's warmth...... yes...i'm jealous.... but don't i have the right to feel jealous? Why ? why could ppl around me complain abt stuffs tat i see so insignificant in my life.... why ? why can't i tell anyone abt my problem and let them solve for me? all tat i got in the end is juz sympathy...and a couple of virtual hugs..and silence..
I hate silence..... it means hopelessness..... and i bet no one can help me for wat i'm going through...and don't throw me words of encouragement tat you think they would help... none of them could..... it's not tat i see it negative of you all trying to shower ur care and concern...but the thing is.... i understand...but none of ur words can help me.. unless you're as miserable as i am... if i can even wear a smile and laugh at you most of the times....then don't tell me tat wat i've been trying to do is not enough...when i juz happened to throw my temper a few times....

i feel tat it's so meaningless for me to stay on.... i used to have my mum around me...that i feel tat she needs me...and i will make my life the best for her.... to be there .... but now she's fine with her work in taiwan..and her friends....and her new life.... so is my sister with her bf...and my dad with his career..... i was left alone in singapore.... lost the reason to live on each day..... wat's my existence here....and why don't i juz quit sch and find my meaning in life....you think i would be an engineer? so wat if i've done quite well in study? asking me to bear it through another 2 years... and think abt it next time..... but i'm wasting my youth.... can i juz go taiwan and start my life there...... I start to hate singapore...i start to hate this place tat i'm in.... like as if i'm stuck here without a reason..... i could juz leave.....and i wanted to leave so badly......every morning i woke up.... i try to hide all those thoughts of my family aside... and live my life as normal as i could be..... and i had been doing it for a year already....and how much longer you think i could carry on? for the rest of my life? I'm afriad tat i would even forget tat i actually had a family before.... the scholars who came here to study aren't worse than me.... they at least still can hope to go back home...facing their family's smiles..... giving them assurance...for doing proud.... but wat can i get now? not even a word.................................................................not even my name........

Sighz.....think i've typed a lot..... but to sum up..... i miss my mum...i miss my sis...i miss my dad....i miss my family..... i miss those days when i were still a kid..... i miss those dayz when they are there to celebrate my birthdayz...... I miss my childhood....... i juz miss everything tat has all of us......sobx........................